No one saves us, no one swoops in and rescues us from life. The truth is we save ourselves.
No one makes us feel loved or valued or sexy. Not in the real sense, at least. Those feelings come from within and flow outward, attracting to us people who also see these same things in us.
Sometimes I forget that I am my own knight in shining armor. Sometimes I lose sight of the fact that I am my own happily ever after. Others can enrich my life, teach me lessons, help me tap into new experiences and feelings. But, true love has to come from within me, just as it has to come from within you. That is the only path to true bliss.
I just ended a seven year relationship. It was one of the most painful, heartbreaking things I’ve ever done. I stand here watching the pages of my life flip past, closing one chapter, opening to another. The grieving process will not be easy, but it is necessary.
Without the grief, I cannot grow. Without the messy, ugly digging deep, I cannot heal.
My therapist told me yesterday that the most dangerous thing I can do right now is make a list of things I want in my next partner. A list that I’d already started, of course: smart, emotionally mature, funny, willing to commit to a partnership where we support each other 100%, etc.
Instead, she said I need to make a list of all the things I want to FEEL in my next relationship.
The point is not who does the dishes. Rather, you want someone with whom you can negotiate the things that need negotiating while still feeling loved and respected. As a result of that negotiation, the dishes will get done, but it doesn’t matter who actually does them.
Isn’t that an interesting concept? That it’s not about finding a partner who does certain tasks or possesses certain qualities. It’s about finding a partner that you can work with to make life happen in the most supportive and empowering way – and through that, things get done.
Mind blown. *poof*
But I’m going to expand on that even more.
How do you want to feel about you? How do you want to feel about your own life? Happy doesn’t cut it, either. It needs to be specific, deep, intimate, and real. The kind of stuff that you’ll be proud of on your death bed. The kind of stuff that eliminates regrets and invites joy.
You save yourself in this lifetime. You have to fall in love with you in order to allow others to do the same. You have to sweep yourself right off your own feet and know you’ll be OK no matter what happens. And in that moment, your soul is set on fire.
So, I’m working on my lists. The lists of what I want to feel about myself and my life, and the list of how I want to feel in my next relationship.
I want to feel excited about the future. I want to feel vulnerable. I want to feel empowered to speak my truth and share my feelings without fear.
I want to know what it feels like to love so deeply that I’m terrified and I do it anyway.
I want to laugh every single day.
I want to stand at the edge of the abyss, look into the unknown, and fling myself over the edge – arms out, head back – and soar towards my dreams.
What do you want? What does that feel like? You are your own hero.